Yup that's right Time Attack fans it's that time you've all been waiting for!! The off season is officially done with and now your able to read everyone's PR from the latest event Global Time Attack Buttonwillow! Well if by now you've been reading the various shit I spew through my keyboard AKA my blog then your probably not expecting some PR about how great we either are or did, if your new to this blog then firstly shame on you and secondly hang on and read on this isn't me spouting off the for mentioned result or giving someone a blow job!
Ok I know the title is a little weird I get that, bare with me till the end and perhaps it will become a little clear!
Right where was I oh yea this is an event recap hmmmm, ok well shit let's start with a little background pertinent to this event.
I'll not bore you all with all the changes made to the car in the off season but in a nutshell we remade the front end of the car, moved the radiator to the trunk, changed the entire brake setup (Thank you KSport!) secured a new tire sponsor (Thank you Continental Tire/World Racing) changed the front to rear weight bias and probably another 10 critical things my sun burnt dumbass can't recall right now!
The week leading up to the event was the typical mayhem your used to hearing from, basically we found the critical show stopping oiling issue we had amongst other issues at the season finale last year which necessitated a mid week engine removal and rebuild with the engine only firing up around 6pm on Friday (Yes I know those of you Facebook reading my posts thought I was full of shit and honestly your probably right but I was not kidding it was touch and go for a while!)
So anyway we make it to the event on Saturday morning to be greeted with perfect track record breaking conditions! HAHA sure ok that was complete bullshit I mean seriously even if it was 60 degrees and the track was clean how the hell can anyone use the word perfect in reference to Buttonwillow! Our expectation level for this event was basically that this would be at best a shakedown for the car and give us some data on how to setup the car for the new balance and new tires. Well I can tell you one thing next time I am not going to set my expectations so high!
Saturday was basically Jeff drove around the track twice and reported back the following - Cooling system doesn't work, handling is way off, brakes arn't working and the car is fucking filthy can you clean it!
So working through the issues it's basically something like this, I designed a cooling system that just may work in the Antarctic, I installed brake pads in the front that caused huge drag on one caliper and warped the rotor and because of my retarded cooling system we couldn't turn a lap enabling us to try and fix the handling. I won't comment on the filth inside the car but personally I think Keith put all that shit dust in there just to wind Jeff up but SShhh don't tell Jeff that!
Ok so at this point faced with several issues mostly not addressable at the track and one being of a safety to the driver I made the call that we're done for the weekend, I thanked everyone for all of their hard work and several key crew members (Earl, Mert, JoJo, etc) took off up the I5 to head for home. I was committed to stay as at the least I figured we owed it to our sponsors to clean the car up and put her on display for Sunday!
Right so your all probably thinking WTF Mike didn't you guys put in a lap??? Well yea so here's the twist and obviously if your still read the crap I write you know it's the norm for a GST race weekend to have more twists than Lombard ST.
Bare with me cause some of this is a little hard to remember but if I recall correctly it goes something like this - We're all sitting down for dinner at Willow Ranch and as usual I have the displeasure of sitting next to Uncle Tony (UMS Tuning) while eating the only food in the area that isn't killed and cooked on the side of the I5. As I discuss our issues with Tony a little and mention a couple of ghetto work rounds to at least lay a lap down if I had not already called time on the event for us Tony broke out into what I recall as about an hour long session of calling me "A complete fucking pussy!" (Did I get that bit right Tony??) anyways after an hour of being called a pussy there was basically 3 options!
1) I ignore him - Yea right like that's going to happen with the make up of both Tony and I, this isn't an option!
2) I knock his old ass out where he's sitting - I have to confess this at the time seemed perfectly reasonable but I can only assume the Beck's fog wore off enough and I realized he's got like 100lbs on me and I'd probably end up in Kaiser!
3) I put it to the driver and see if he's up for risking his life while we get cracking with some fixes which involve a death wheel, file and Rado's air sander.
So at this point it's fairly obvious that Jeff being the complete nut that he is was up for driving something that we'd all but JB welded together.
I'd tell you about how I went straight to bed to get an early night to have my head about me early in the morning to rework all of this and as it happens I tried to do just that and it worked for about 7 minutes until the banging on my hotel room door and my cell phone going off only for me to open the door to find Chris Rado and crew and going over to his room with about 10 others for a beer!
The plan in the morning was simple, attempt the fixes and get Jeff out for the first session with the car on it's lowest power setting to keep the engine temps down. Jeff would then do a real easy out lap to keep the engine temps down (as well as ensure we couldn't possibly get our tires up to temp or pressure) and have a go at one hot lap in a car that needs at the least a full day of spring, sway and host of other setup work to even remotely turn a fast lap.
Everyone basically knows the outcome, Jeff managed a 1:46 and change and it was enough to be fastest overall.
Well now if you've read through all of the above and your still wondering where the invention of turd polish comes from I have to say this really either your really dense (in which case click close on this and go back to justinbieber.com or whatever other limp dick site you came from) or you haven't been paying attention! Yes basically we invented Turd Polish, it's not available in a can, you can't order it online, it's not something you can learn how to make! Yup you've got it we have Turd polish that comes in a SFI race suit (A really damn bright one right now) - Jeff Westphal is basically turd polish! Now here's the deal I am not known as a selfish bastard so I am more than willing to sell you turd polish but you have to meet the following criteria!
1) Have an untested car
2) Make said untested car a little dangerous (You don't have to do this one but you get a discount on Turd polish if you do!)
3) Have pressure from external sources to put in either a good showing or result
If you meet this criteria and have a ton of cash feel free to email me at gstmike@gmail.com with the title of Turd Polish sales so I can pay you the attention your enquiry deserves!
